Several years ago I realized that throughout my life, I'd had a tendency to collect needy friends, and that some of my current friends - a minority but a noticeable ones - seemed to require a lot of mothering. After deciding to let these friends go (it didn't entail any showdowns; they just drifted away when I stopped being chronically available), I knew that in order to cultivate healthy friendships in the future, I had to set the bar higher. This included figuring out exactly what I was looking for in a friendship. But how?
A book that seemed to tumble off the library shelf as I passed by (funny how that happens) came to my rescue. The title, Choosing Me Before We, sounded interesting. As I scanned the book, I saw that while it deals with dating, partnering & finding "Mr. Right," the process could be altered slightly to make it work for finding new friends.
I found her exercise The Core Four - a process for identifying the four most important traits or characteristics you're looking for in a mate (and for me, friends) - especially helpful. Based on my experiences up till then, I chose mutuality/reciprocity - the ability to give as well as receive care & comfort - as one of my own Core Four. Other characteristics might include loyalty, excellent communication skills, listening or a key shared interest.
If you're starting from scratch or starting over in terms of your social life, I'd recommend this book. If you do the entire process from beginning to end, it can take awhile. However, I found the resultant clarity to be worth it.
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