Not a joiner?

At times I've found myself making lunch break small talk about the challenges of maintaining friendships in midlfe, and my conversational partner will sigh and say, "Everyone tells me to join a club or something. But I'm just not a joiner." And with that, she dismisses a world of possibilities. It's too bad, because joining works.

I always want to tell her several things. First, labels create limits. The assertion "I'm not a (fill in the blank)" may get someone off a particular hook at that moment, but in the long run it severely limits her range of options when the situation gets serious. I'm reminded of a few artist friends who've told me, in all seriousness, that they "can't" keep their finances in order because they're right-brained thinkers. This leaves two options, putting up with financial chaos or trying to find someone to take care of business (die-hard labelmakers often harbor a secret hope of being rescued). And since none of these friends have ever earned enough to afford an accountant...you can guess the result.

Second, I'd like to tell her that if she can bring herself to peel off the label, good things may happen. I've found that when I'm stuck, sometimes just taking any action will launch the process of liberation. Dithering over whether it's the "right" action (or the "right" job or the "right" group) stalls the launch. In her book I Could Do Anything if Only I Knew What it Was, Barbara Sher writes, "Action - any action - puts you in a place where happy accidents can occur." The first group that my friend tries out might not provide the perfect fit for her, but the contacts she makes there may lead to something better.

Third, if she's really lonely or depressed about her situation, simply getting out of the house (or away from the desk - lonely people with demanding careers sometimes hide behind them) could provide the relief she needs in order to feel like moving forward again. I've noticed something like this while helping my son look for a job; on the days when he went out and knocked on managers' doors, his attitude was noticeably more upbeat than on the days he stayed home uploading applications to online HR departments. Again, the point isn't to choose the perfect option; the point is to do something.

Finally, I'd like to tell my friend that the art of joining can be learned. Some people are born with a robust ability to find or create tribes, but even those who aren't can practice a few skills that will make any group effort easier. According to several personality tests, I'm officially an introvert, but I don't find it hard to join a new group as long as the group is working on something I care about. The key is to discover an avocation, enthusiasm or dream, and seek out like-minded people.

Eleanor Roosevelt said,  "Happiness is not a goal. It's the byproduct of a life well lived." I'm starting to believe that the same can be said of friendship. As Sher advises, "Get your show on the road and you'll find out that a lot of people want parts in it."